Since it’s the holidays and everyone is in a fruitcake coma, I thought I’d share a fun little story I wrote.
“What fish does an old maid long for?” I groaned. My uncle, Mortimer Fish, had a serious penchant for woeful fish jokes. I just couldn’t humour him anymore.
“What are you carping on about now?” I riposted. He looked hurt, and my resolution wavered.
“I was just trying to add a ray of sunshine into your dull life,” he replied, rolling his bulbous eyes.
“Well, don’t skate around the issue. If you think you can fix my problems, spit it out, don’t bait me.” I glared at him, longing to knock off his top hat and monocle and trample them into the ground. Gloria had just thrown me back into the pond, but it was her “bigger fish” remark that had me green around the gills.
He leaned forward watching me. “You look like a puffer fish – all blown up and covered in prickles, my boy. Need to calm down dontcha know.” He wrestled his worn copy of “Fish Species of Middlesex” out of his pocket. “It says here…”
But that was it. Years of fish jokes swam through my mind as I leapt on him, getting a grasp on his throat like a lamprey eel. His eyes bulged further and further until he reminded me of my dear Aunts guppy fish, Ivan.
I had loved Ivan. The sweet little bubbles hat he used to blow, and the way he would swim in and out of his plastic castle for hours.
“What…what fish does an old maid long for?” I stammered.
Mortimer Fish picked himself up, and allowed me to brush him down. Adjusting his monocle, he peered at me in some doubt. I wasn’t the first to try and gaff the old fool; Aunt Patience had laid him flat with a frozen halibut only last week.
“Ahh my boy, her-ring, of course!” he chuckled, the sound seeming to pop out of him in bubbles.
I sighed. “Dinner tonight, Uncle? I’ve got some nice turbot.”
“Splendid, my boy. Your plaice it is then. I have written a new paper on the eating habits of the bottom dwelling mud skipper, I would value your opinion.” He glanced sideways at me. “Oh, and that dear little gel from the Aquarium said she was keen on reading it too… so if it’s not too much trouble..”
The Aquarium. Gel… no girl… woman. I clutched my head at the memory of red hair and a silly mermaid costume that clung in all the right places as she fed sardines to the seals.
I hope she likes fish jokes.
Cindy Tomamichel is a multi genre author, with her SMP series Druid’s Portal a time travel action adventure romance set in Roman Britain.
Short stories of fantasy, scifi and romance can be found on her website, where she blogs on aspects of world building.
Contact Cindy on