ESCAPE FROM BAD ROMANCE (Part 5)
Want to escape from bad romance?
In my previous four blogs—my first four blogs ever—we discussed how to escape from bad romance in the real world and how that related to my writing. Part 1 (April 29, 2020), Part 2 (June 24, 2020), Part 3 (July 22, 2020), Part 4 (August 19, 2020). I thought perhaps the success my characters experienced could translate into the real world. (I’m Raz Steel—my degree is in Philosophy, I’ve been writing most of my life, and teaching writing for more than ten years.)
To be clear, I’m talking about actual romance. In these and the next two blog posts, I’ll continue to share an amazing discovery I made constructing a novel.
Storytelling is a tool. As a professional writer, it’s a tool of habit for me. Applied one way, it entertains an audience. But what if I could show you how storytelling applied another way could break you out of a pattern of failing real-world romance?
You don’t have to be a writer to use this tool. You don’t have to write at all. My process could be just as effective for a non-writer. In Part 1, I suggested that what allowed me to create the perfect story-romance in my recently published romantic comedy PASS THE KRYPTONITE was my understanding of not one character but both romantic characters.
This suggested that the success of real-world romance depends on my understanding of myself and my partner.
Changing your thoughts isn’t enough to change your romantic reality. Understand yourself, change your thoughts, and empathize with your partner who is doing the same thing.
Remember, partners worthy of your romantic attention want the same thing you want. So, you have to understand—what do you want?
If you want an emotional risk taker and you’re sitting across the table from someone who clearly isn’t an emotional risk taker, and yet you persist, what can you expect other than the same results you’ve already had?
You may’ve been told to imagine the perfect guy, focus on that, and he’ll appear.
Oh, if only it worked that way, right?
In the first twelve years since divorce, I drifted through any number of unsuccessful—in the long run—relationships. We were happy in the moment, for a year or two, but I never reached the level of emotional intimacy I wanted.
Then I realized I wasn’t taking the lessons my characters were teaching and extending them to my reality. I had failed the self-actualization test—how could I be given what I wasn’t willing to offer?
I transformed my life when I realized I needed to understand what romance means to me . . . not to anyone else.
Your idea of romance won’t necessarily be the same as mine. You need to understand what you mean, what you want. What does your life look like with romance?
Once I understood that lesson, now I could pay effective attention to potential partners; were they sharing a layer of themselves that matched my idea of romance that they weren’t sharing with anyone else?
Were they interested enough in me to listen to my thoughts and empathize with my feelings in areas that related to romance? That’s when I found a partnership that lasted happily for more than six years!
Was it perfect? No. But for a long time, we both experienced the intimacy of love. We parted gracefully because our long term goals couldn’t sync-up. When I began dating again this time, I had a clear idea of who I was and what to look for in a partner.
(Part 6, the last entry in this blog, ESCAPE FROM BAD ROMANCE will appear on October 14, 2020)
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